Totally Owning That! This! And Everything in Between!

A trend I’ve been trying to come to terms with of late is that we Hindus like to claim ownership over everything. Somewhere in the world something magnificent happens or is discovered and the world is rejoicing. And if one thinks about it, the world really wants reasons to celebrate!

Because the world is just a big pile of Orissa otherwise! A giant plate of bullOrissa! Just a lot of shitty things happening and there’s nothing anybody can do about it. On the other hand the world isn’t an Uttar Pradesh. In Uttar Pradesh one man gets killed because someone thought he had beef and it becomes a national issue. And it should because nobody has the right to dictate what a man should eat and shouldn’t. But in Orissa millions will die, the state will go through droughts and floods (sometimes both at the same time) and at best Dainik Bhaskar will have a cartoon on it.

Back to the issue. The world is celebrating and then there will be that one Hindu who goes “Actually na bro. That was there in India when Ram was calling South Indians monkeys”.

For example the Wright Brothers built a plane and human beings for the first time had real time bird’s eye view. They didn’t have to imagine any of that. John Wright (or whoever the first Wright brother was) took off on a plane and in a glorious moment in human history, mid-air, he exclaimed “Wilbur has a receding hairline”. That’s how epic it was! And then some forgotten Hindu man in orange robes went “We already had it. Pushpak Vimaan. It’s basically the same thing. Raavan use to fly it from Sri Lanka and check out the babes in India and decide who to abduct and who not to.” And when asked for proof “Bro it was called Pushpak Vimaan pre-Independence. After independence they just named it Air India. If you have doubts look at the air hostesses. They are basically the same people since then”. This is the point where I concede defeat because that argument makes total sense.

The only believable modern practice that we can claim credit over is that before Koena Mitra and Rene Zellwegger, we had the first victim of a dubious plastic surgery.

Ganesha!

How can we even be proud of that? Let’s first understand the circumstances! One day cute Ganesha was busy being adarsh baalak because he was protecting his mother while she was having a bath. Then Shiva comes and says “chal hat saala” and when Ganesha says no, he just beheaded him. BEHEADED HIM!!!

What kind of child abuse standards is that setting for Hindu fathers? Inspired Hindu fathers are going if a person who beheaded a child is god, the least I can do is hit my child with a belt if he doesn’t perform well in academics. And then when Paravati cries over her dead child Shiva utters eloquent poetry that must be recited at every funeral “Shit galti ho gayi yaar!

Then he starts thinking with his third eye. *inhale a deep puff because, you know, meditative trance* “Nandi, Tum sun. Ek Haathi ko le ke aa. We’ll behead that. Then go to Ramu Kaka’s shop in Kasaul and get some Fevikwik. We will take that head and stick it to this head. And ho gaya plastic surgery!”

And I hope no one takes offence. Oh wait! That’s one thing we actually own!

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