To Be A Tourist Or A Traveller

I am not a pretentious guy. Sure, I think the Proletariat revolution must come and take over the means of production in a nihilistic existence only to realize they were better off in their Sisyphean tragic absurdity but I mean who doesn’t think that? Pph! Wait, you don’t? Hmpph! So passé!

*pouts my lips like a true bourgeoisie symbol of class and culture*

The point I was trying to make was that I recently did something that most people are beginning to slowly hate. I did that trip in Europe and I had a great time. I mean, not meet-the-love-of-my-life great (please, if only my life was a bilingual directed by Imtiaz Ali and Richard Linklater), but still pretty great! Now I know what you are thinking! Uff! Another guy, another trip to Europe, another conversation about “how Indian cities need to develop faster”, “Their roads are so clean”, “Every building in the foreign (pronounced as the Mathematical expression 4n) tells you a story where as somebody forgot to tell India buildings that Halloween is over and they are still wearing their scary costumes”

People who do those things are really pissing off. I didn’t do any of those things! Totally did not! Did Not. Nope… Never. Read my lips N-E-V-E-R….. Okay. Mmm! Maybe a little bit! Just a little! Okay, a few statements may have been said! Okay fine!

I totally did all of those things!

But if it makes you feel any better I did not post any pictures on Facebook. And, to be honest I’ve never really understood the idea of travelling. On the one hand I am sure travel makes you feel better, but on the other hand, why is it so expensive? I mean isn’t travel supposed to be life changing? Why are only rich people’s lives supposed to change with travel? Why are only rich people changed by travel? Wait, are there poor people who are travelling the world but just not getting point. I mean do poor people finish travelling the world and say “That’s it? This is what rich people wanted to do?!Mars better be damn good!”

Also call me old school but when I think of travel, I think of Marco Polo! I mean how much did he hate his life in Italy to get onto a boat and eloquently write in his journal “Fuck this! I’m going to China. That Genghis chap sure sounds like a friendly partying warmonger!”. (If some History major is looking for the correct timeline I hope you find out that Ramchandra Guha molests goats in Pakistan!)

Or even Magellan, the guy who proved earth was spherical! I am pretty sure he hated his life so much that he was probably the first gentleman who said “I hate my life so much that I want to jump off the edge of the world” and went for it. You see an explorer; I see a traveler committed to a personal cause! I mean suicide is no joke but imagine the disappointment when he came back to the place he started. And he just looked at God and said “Are you kidding me? Did it sound like a joke to you?”

When I travelled I had no such ambitions or frustrations. I did it only because I wanted to and I could! I just went around in trains and flights surprised that they let a half employed half tax burden like me into their pristine countries, where once the likes of Charles Dickens and William Shakespeare roamed the streets. In those very streets, I produced path-breaking forms of literature like ‘In this country, French Fries, kya tasty hai?’. And then proceeded to make love to them to fill the gaping holes in my life and my inferior vena cava! 4n is such a strange place!

So I think to pay respect to people who actually travelled I decided to call myself a mere tourist and take pride in it. Lots of people want to be travelers but not tourists because tourists remind them of uncles and aunties and from India and China who remind them of their parents! But screw that! #TouristIsTheNewSexy (Repost that until it becomes a cultural norm)!

Unless of course I go to South America! Then of course I am going to find a fat friend who has some actual skill in saving people and then become Che Guvera of South America. I mean, Che Guvera from South India of South America! But wait, if he was already there for South America then do I get to be Mukesh Manjunath, Che Guvera from South India of South India because of South America?

Whatever, you get the picture!